DancingSinging ([info]dancingsinging) wrote,
@ 2008-09-08 13:37:00
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Me, Me, Me
I just spent the weekend on a mini-vacation in South Lake Tahoe with one of my best friends. It was awesome. My daughter and hubby had a special "Daddy weekend" and I sat around drinking wine by the lake, talking with my friend, swimming in the pool, drinking champagne, dancing, drinking a bit more, and sleeping in. I even managed to avoid a hangover.
 
This is a part of the "me time" parenting philosophy I've been trying out. The idea is, if you create space in your life to do things like be with your friends and do your creative work, you end up being a much better model and a much more patient, loving parent with more of yourself to give.
 
By and large, it's working. Since I started working again and taking an hour or two to write while my daughter's at school, the resentment I had been feeling about being a mom has evaporated. I pick my daughter up at school excited to see her and eager to spend two or three hours playing with her and doing things together.
 
The problem, though, is that I seem to be insatiable about "me time." Every day, when it's time to turn off the computer and go pick up my daughter, I'm really tempted to leave her there for a bit longer. I played a season of league soccer, and now I want to also lift weights, ride my bike, and take Pilates reformer classes several days a week. I still want to go back and take refresher Math classes then apply to graduate school. I could easily fill up twenty hours a day just doing things for myself. And it feels like even then, I would want more.
 
So where is the line between responsibly taking care of yourself and just being selfish?


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[info]torresroman
2008-09-08 11:04 pm UTC (link)
Woo hoo! Nice to see you posting!

Perhaps the line between responsibly taking care of yourself and being selfish is the difference between need vs. want?

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[info]dancingsinging
2008-09-10 09:06 pm UTC (link)
Thanks for the welcome back! :) I've managed to carve out a bit of time each day for writing (short stories) and for writing-related stuff (posting to my LJ, doing critiques, researching markets...). So, I'm hoping to start posting a bit more regularly again.

The problem with drawing the line between needs/wants is that it's fuzzy. I don't _need_ to talk with my friends, but after two years with 90% of my conversations being held with someone under two, I was going batty. I don't _need_ to do my writing, but who I really am gets kind of lost when I neglect it too much. I'm not sure that there really is an easy answer; perhaps it just needs to be an ongoing, dynamic balancing act.

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[info]torresroman
2008-09-10 09:22 pm UTC (link)
Forgive me if I wasn't clear or if my previous post came off wrong. I'm hearing what you're saying, but I know that I *do* need conversation with friends and time to write. Perhaps not like food / water / air, but I do need them, as they fulfill me. I suppose in those instances, though, I want more time to do this stuff than I can reasonably have, but I need *some* time to do this stuff.

But I agree - it is a balancing act, and adaptability is good.

You've been missed.

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[info]dancingsinging
2008-09-10 09:28 pm UTC (link)
Thanks!

I get you now. The struggle for me is discerning real need from self-indulgence. :) But you're right, we all do need some time for ourselves.

All I know for sure is that the balance right now is a lot better than the balance was a year ago. When I met you, I was just coming off of a _long_ dry spell.

And to think, I almost talked myself out of WisCon, trying to be responsible!

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[info]kuddliphish
2008-09-12 12:23 am UTC (link)
Having just sent [info]maxemulien out of the house with both kids lest I start screaming and/or crying, I am totally with you on the importance of "me time."

How much is just enough is something of a balancing act that will depend on the personalities of the people involved and of course change over time as the child grows. The key, I think, for judging if you have the right balance is looking at your relationship with your child. If you are despondent, overwhelmed, or short tempered then your interactions with your child are going to reflect that and some "me time" is in order for both your sakes. If your child is clingy and insecure or you have no idea how to relate to her because you don't know what's going on in her life, then you probably need a little more "us time." The goal is to keep everybody happy and connected, so as long as your relationship is thriving and your time together is largely rewarding for both of you, then you're doing great.

I also don't think you should worry too much about being reluctant to switch gears (ie wanting to wait just a little longer to pick her up) All that shows is that you enjoy your work, which is a good thing. It is always a little hard to stop doing something we enjoy even if the next thing is also enjoyable. Transitions are hard.

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[info]dancingsinging
2008-09-13 04:04 am UTC (link)
Looking at how each of us is doing and how the relationship is doing--what a great way to evaluate the whole thing. Your comment is just what I needed. It makes perfect sense, now that you mention it.

I was so busy trying to figure out a 'system' intellectually, but it makes so much sense to figure out this kind of thing emotionally.

Thanks!

I hope that the about-to-scream/cry has abated a bit, and that you got a good break. I hope the school thing works out soon. (Dang preschool waiting lists!)

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