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18 January 2012 @ 04:51 pm
On being visibly pregnant and invisibly queer  
I feel like I had really started to find a way to live with being queer while looking pretty much like a typical straight, suburban, stay-at-home mom. I found some ways of expressing the rest of me, made my peace with most people I met making erroneous assumptions about me, and did the work to really decide whether a monogamous relationship with my spouse was worth giving up the variety of sexual experiences I really wanted.

But now this being pregnant thing is kind of tripping me up. Like, I'm still really happy with my life, but I'm feeling this internal pressure to conform more closely to my conception of what the cultural norm is for mothers. I can't even believe this, but after a trip to the children's museum where I saw a bunch of very thin, beautifully dressed moms with their babies, I actually seriously considered trying to lose weight after the baby's born. It's kind of freaking me out! Like, who has invaded my brain, and why is she totally crazy! I mean, I've come to terms with my periodic urges to lose weight so that sexy women will think I'm hot and want to come talk to me. But wanting to diet so that I'll fit in with the weird mommy cliques in the freakin children's museum? This is actually frightening me.

I think that my trust in myself, that I wouldn't stuff my poor inner baby dyke back in the closet again, was pretty tenuous even before I was pregnant. I mean, I was doing my work and all, but occasional forays to the Big City to attend queer events and some occasional journaling just wasn't a lot, you know? And now I'm not going to be doing many forays, I'm not going to be learning to ride a motorcycle, and I gave up on my cute butch hair. Add to that how I'm contemplating buying sweater sets and losing forty pounds, it just doesn't make me feel so trustworthy to myself.
vanmedi: Floppy Bunny Messvanmedi on September 4th, 2012 02:45 am (UTC)
Oh baby....I love you. Just the way you are -in all of your different manifestations. I love the way you are. Your being. Your heart. The internal you that *cannot* even wear a sweater-set, and has no body to lose weight. I think this is a time in life where many of us, are searching deeper (than we've ever dared to look before) for who we really are, and who we want to be in the world. I have always loved you for your never ending *seeking spirit*. You are always developing and growing. And you are SO trustworthy. Those fleeting moments when you may doubt it, are just that...moments. Let them pass, and then get back to the business of being yourself.

Oh...and regarding: "who has invaded my brain, and why is she totally crazy!" -1. She's probably not even you...It's probably the overwhelming messages of conformity and stifling ideals of *womanhood* that permeate our culture...and 2. The "she" that came up with these lame ideals of feminine beauty...chances are...has a penis and works in advertising. -Just thought you should know. ;)

I love you just the way you are. You're great. Remember that.